Sometimes when I'm sitting in traffic, especially when I didn't have a radio in my car, when there was nothing to do besides yell at how terrible people drive, I like to look around at all the hundreds of people sitting in their cars around me and imagine what their lives are like. You know, oh, she's definitely a soccer mom with three kids. Or, he's going to be really rich in a few years. I also like to think about how many people they know. I compare this with how many people I know. I usually am way more popular than they are.
Still, it's weird. Every day we see hundreds of people who have nothing to do with our lives, people we've never met and may never see again.
Mostly we just pass people by without a thought, caught up so much in our own world that we don't really stop to think about who they are and the experiences they've had. This is what I do in traffic. I think about people and how they lead lives in the same city, yet I know absolutely nothing about them. Then I start thinking on a grander scale. Out of all the billions of people in the world, I am but one. One tiny person who doesn't even know the smallest fraction of the people who inhabit this planet. I haven't even been to every place in the whole world. I haven't seen Mount Everest, or been to Egypt, or seen the Dead Sea. My life is very miniscule compared with this entire world.
That's when an even larger scale comes to mind. There have been people on earth for thousands of years. In every one of those years there have been billions of people on the earth. There will be billions more people in the thousands of years to come. We're not even sure if we're the only intelligent life in the whole universe. Even if we're not, there are planets and stars bigger than I can even imagine, certainly much bigger than I am. This entire universe could swallow me whole and not even notice. I'm that tiny.
But you know what? To God, I'm that big. I'm more than the entire universe. I'm so important to him, it's hard to describe. David did well in Psalm 8: 3-9. "When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor. You made him ruler over the works of your hands; you put everything under his feet: all flocks and herds, and the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and the fish of the sea, all that swim the paths of the seas. O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!"
Who am I, God, that you are mindful of me?
Who am I
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am IThat the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart?
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.
How dare I, nothing compared to everything You have and created, not be mindful of You? What right do I have to give you excuse after excuse about why I don't spend time with you, when that's all you want. You want that from me, specifically, out of the billions of people, out of the trillions and jazillions of people who have lived and who will live in the future. You chose me. Me.
Why God? You could have anybody! I am nothing, no one of worth, insignificant. There can only be one reason.
Love
What wondrous love is this,
O my soul, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this, O my soul!
What wondrous love is this
That caused the Lord of bliss
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul, for my soul,
To bear the dreadful curse for my soul!
When I was sinking down, sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down, sinking down,
When I was sinking down
Beneath God's righteous frown,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul for my soul,
Christ laid aside His crown for my soul.
God, my soul just cries that out to you: What wondrous love is this? How is it that while I was still nailing you to the cross you could look on me with love? God, who am I, that you are mindful of me? Who am I that you love me so? I am so unworthy, so undeserving.
But God, whatever the reason, I don't care. I'll take it. Love me God, like none other ever could, ever would, or ever would want to. You are everything, I am nothing. I humbly, facedown and uncomfortably, awkwardly, knowing that you deserve more offer to you all I have. Myself.
Thank you for loving me.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Failing Love
One of my favorite TV shows is Law & Order. My whole family enjoys watching it together, we’ll sit down and watch it for hours at a time trying to figure out who really commited the crime, waiting to see how the DA will prove the defendants guilt. Sometimes the show can be a little bit disturbing, with very violent crimes or disturbing things happening. Those especially disturbing ones are the ones that seem to stick with me more.
I was thinking about a particular episode that has really stuck with me and I was wondering why. Why would someone commit such a crime? Of course, in the show, they tell you what their motive was. Either they weren’t loved by their parents or they were abused as children or they are very angry. Anger is a very powerful emotion. It blinds us to all truth.
I can remember times where I’ve gotten so angry it was like I had this burning desire to hurt something or somebody. A lot of times when I get angry I really want to hear the sound of glass breaking. Something to relieve this immense pressure that’s building up inside, threatening to get out. It makes me want to grit my teeth and my muscles tense up, ready to strike at anything, even myself. It’s a very powerful emotion.
Hearing on the news a story about a mother who kills her children, most usually wonder why. Those were her children, how could she kill them? Doesn’t she love them anymore? After being a nanny for three summers in a row, trust me, I know how these women feel. Children can be very overwhelming, you love them so much and they do so much to hurt you or make you upset. They have never ending energy, where we have very limited energy. It’s hard to be patient. Then the anger again builds up until you have to channel it somewhere.
I read in a book that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. You cannot have great hate without great love, though it may not be a great love for that person, it is a great love for something. Hate spawns from twisted love, it’s roots delve deep within hurt. Hurt happens when there is a love for something or someone and something happens to damage that love, whether it is another person doing something to create that hurt, or somebody saying something. From that hurt comes hate.
We’ve all been hurt before in our lives. Somebody has said something that cut us deeply. We’ve been left out, when friends are getting together. We’ve been unwanted, unloved when all we strive for is acceptance and love. We have been hurt deeply, to the very core of who we are, yet we continue to live.
There have been times in my life where I wouldn’t have been able to make it without love. When I say there have been times in my life I really mean my entire life. We cannot survive without love. But the love of this world is failing. We see it every day. My love is failing, your love is failing. This world if full of failing love. We love ourselves too much to really love others and you cannot be complete without someone else’s love. Without love we end up as murderers on Law & Order. Failing love continues to disappoint, hurt, and twist our hearts until there is nothing left. How do we survive?
http://www.gapingvoid.com/
Moveable_Type/archives/003
142.html
I was thinking about a particular episode that has really stuck with me and I was wondering why. Why would someone commit such a crime? Of course, in the show, they tell you what their motive was. Either they weren’t loved by their parents or they were abused as children or they are very angry. Anger is a very powerful emotion. It blinds us to all truth.
I can remember times where I’ve gotten so angry it was like I had this burning desire to hurt something or somebody. A lot of times when I get angry I really want to hear the sound of glass breaking. Something to relieve this immense pressure that’s building up inside, threatening to get out. It makes me want to grit my teeth and my muscles tense up, ready to strike at anything, even myself. It’s a very powerful emotion.
Hearing on the news a story about a mother who kills her children, most usually wonder why. Those were her children, how could she kill them? Doesn’t she love them anymore? After being a nanny for three summers in a row, trust me, I know how these women feel. Children can be very overwhelming, you love them so much and they do so much to hurt you or make you upset. They have never ending energy, where we have very limited energy. It’s hard to be patient. Then the anger again builds up until you have to channel it somewhere.
I read in a book that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin. You cannot have great hate without great love, though it may not be a great love for that person, it is a great love for something. Hate spawns from twisted love, it’s roots delve deep within hurt. Hurt happens when there is a love for something or someone and something happens to damage that love, whether it is another person doing something to create that hurt, or somebody saying something. From that hurt comes hate.
We’ve all been hurt before in our lives. Somebody has said something that cut us deeply. We’ve been left out, when friends are getting together. We’ve been unwanted, unloved when all we strive for is acceptance and love. We have been hurt deeply, to the very core of who we are, yet we continue to live.
There have been times in my life where I wouldn’t have been able to make it without love. When I say there have been times in my life I really mean my entire life. We cannot survive without love. But the love of this world is failing. We see it every day. My love is failing, your love is failing. This world if full of failing love. We love ourselves too much to really love others and you cannot be complete without someone else’s love. Without love we end up as murderers on Law & Order. Failing love continues to disappoint, hurt, and twist our hearts until there is nothing left. How do we survive?
http://www.gapingvoid.com/
Moveable_Type/archives/003
142.html
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